Do you happen to know the feeling of having a mystery investigation playing in the back of your head for 13 years, buzzing away like a T.V on 7 different channels at once? Trying to figure out the confusing riddle of what is fact and what is not, at the same time trying to block it out and pretend that it doesn't hurt, the kind of pain that your not sure will ever go away... I know that feeling to well. Ive lived with it for 13 years. It started when I was 5, an innocent, cheeky and playful little girl, with far fetched dreams of princess castles, fairy's and magical lands. It was when my dad 'allegedly' took his own life in Mullambimbi, N.S.W. It was the 13th of October 1997 and it will be 13 years this year, this fact I discovered recently on Friday the 13th.... Its a subject not talked of often because why feel the pain more than we already do everyday, every minute? But one thing that I remember from a talk with my mum was the day the news was told of his permanent absence in life, she didn't feel sorrow or grief, Instead she felt a raging anger fill up inside her at him for taking himself away from me. She looked at me so young and fresh into life's journey and thought to herself 'oh no..' One day,One moment, that impacted my life in ways I'm only beginning to understand now. Its hard to believe that such a small moment in my life has shaped my future in such dramatic ways. Everything changed when he left this world, he took away my chance of living a stereotypically normal life like other kids... I was destined to always be a 'bit' different, which is a harder path to follow full of confusion of who you are, why you see things so differently to others. I'm starting to see that fact may be a blessing in descise cos later on in life, It will be a tool that will assist other's to understand themselves and their gifts....
I choose not to deal with it for a long time or tryed to convince myself I was all at peace with it right down to the core of me, a lie I told myself for as long as I can remember...12 and half years, reserving the pain for me and me only, in a dark space that I shut away when ever the light tryed to force its way in. It was a black emptiness in my heart, filled with suppressed pain, right where my dad's love used to be, I still had half my love, my mothers half...But two half's make a whole and want to feel that, whole again. Mum drove me over to the place where he was found dead in the holidays between primary school and high school. I was fragile pre-teen still with far fetched dreams and fantasies, just closer to whats acceptable in 'reality' . Of course we had to drive the bedford van and halleuya to that champion mobile, she got us over the nullabour and up the great dividing mountain range and back....she's still kicking these days I believe... I wasn't to sure what mum wanted to achieve from this, maybe she thought it would bring me closure, or...something. I feel she just wanted to ease the pain she saw me deal with in silence. Any parent would consider almost anything that could take that away...
It was a bush property, very remote, beautiful but kinda creepy. We sat down and talked to the man who found him...
He didn't even have a house just an open walled shed, permanent feral territory really. They used to poo on the banana trees for fertiliser, the grass grew long, green and snake infested. Beds were cocooned in mosquito due to the lack of walls and doors.
I remember feeling a bit vulnerable being around the charismatic energy he gave out in plenty. He was to content, so fuckin at peace with it, saying he was glad he had died in such a beautiful place and that he was already 'ready to go'... If he was unaware of my dad's plans, how did he know he was ready? he described a scene of my dad mediating under a tree as he apparently saw him in a transparent/ghost like state. the way he described was like a dream though, it didn't feel real to me. It sounded like the beauty of angels, heaven and all the stuff that I would love to believe is part of this world but a little part of me feels its to good to be true, to peaceful. He spoke of dads last day, that he made one phone call, unsure of who to, and then he had fed him his last meal of rice..... WHY use those words? These words echo in my head the more I think of him, among others that wont go away. It was like he supported my dad's decision, that he was going to a better place. He is a Sanyasin
12 and a half years of pain ignored and It wasn't going to let me ignore it any more. I battled against it for months,The mystery in the back of my head bringing me to its attention more and more often.. I was scared, unable to accept that no efforts of mine were going to keep this in. Now I know thats life hay, hes gone now, that cant be changed, just gotta toughen the fuck up and face the painful things. I need to find what is needed to fill the missing piece of me. All those years I couldn't see his face, hear his voice or hold him tight, I could always feel him. Like a shadow that closely followed me everywhere, watching over his little girl. I feel like hes gone now or like he is further away from me maybe watching from a far, keeping one eye on me and one on the sky... I now know the harsh reality of what I have lost. The person who helped bring me this gift of life, my first precious breath of air, my first smile and my first dream was gone without return.... Looking back at that realisation, it was just one step closer to being whole again, to be given back the part of me which has been missing for 13 years... and to appreciate what I have today, because it could all be gone tomorrow in a flash...
I have a part of him with me always and my mum sees him when she looks at me, when she looks into the hypnotising eyes my father and I both share. I feel she found it hard to accept my chosen path of spirituality because of my dads attitude about his religion, which lead to what I strongly suspect as a very self destructive path. She listened as I talked about the amazing things I had learned at my classes and tryed to pretend to accept it, and be happy I was feeling so enlightened. The look of worry, fear and pain staring at me was hard to miss though, because I know her weakness is that her eye's cant lie... As much as that frustrated me at the time, I have stayed on my spiritual journey and attended a class which has helped me understand so much more about myself, the universe, my dad. He contacted my teacher, which I feel was the moment when I let myself acknowledge this tragedy without dismissal...
He spoke of the place he died, described as the place I had been. My teacher asked him how he passed and she saw a white light like an explosion, she felt thea was conflict of some sort, he shows her a gathering of men at the place he died, he shows her a man and she describes him as the man I met. She see's flames, cremation? (he was cremated) He then shows her images of me at all ages, one image where I was wearing a long black dress, long lace gloves and dark make-up (bit of a gothic faze) She felt that this symbolised he is around her and see's her? One when I was smaller, about 6 possibly riding my bike with a cape on in a park (we wea living over the road from a park at a similar time) She asked him what was the answer Somaya wanted, he said 'she knows within- let go of self doubt and toughen up'. She ask's him if he is around Somaya, he replied 'always'... This was at the start of my inevilatble explosion of suppression. It helped, in a way. In way it also didnt, because now all the things I had felt in my heart to be the truth are confirmed a little bit more in my mind, with new things to add. Now its a quest for the truth instead of continuous questions, continually ignored, I cant deny myself the powerful urge to satisfy my many questions any longer.
To top it off late last year it finally hit me that I had another family, it had always been in my head, but i didnt think to much into it. I originally thought I had one uncle... Then discovered I have 3 uncles and 6 cousins, that i know off! I was growing up and dealing with this shit inside me and the reality hits that dad left me with a family.. wondered if they had ever wanted to meet me? Got my answer for that one quick smart.... Just not the one I really hoped for. My dad's side is from Nottingham, Europe and my grandma met them on her travels.. Well she met my unlce rex, dad's older brother, aparently a bit of a sour puss. From the little I know, my dad was a bit 'difficult' teen (thats where I get it from!) He was a soccer hooligan, and his mother and father moved him to Australia to keep him away from trouble. They didnt accpet his choosen spiritual path later on and thought the Sanyasin religon was a cult, as did alot of others, me also having strong suspicions and conspiracy therory's. I have a feeling they just thought he was nuts. Which could have been tru, or it could be drug related, or he could just have had some divinely guided gift and talents like myself. This is all I know and it makes my brain tick even harder knowing that I only have a couple of sentences to the many pages and chapters to a book I must complete. My grandma said that my uncle rex was...Worried to meet me. That I would be like my dad. he was very standoffish toward my grandma with little interest in his dead brothers daughter. He gave her his solicitors address to contact the family on, not his own but fuck it hay im just family to him. Probley a fake one asshole, I wonder wether he asked anyone else wether they wanted to meet me? Is this what family's about, judgment and rejection? He judged me before he even knew me. And this didnt have anything to do with me, it was personal obviously. I feel he was afraid of anything beyond his narrow and safe picture of reality, and dad challenged this through his 'alternative' and different choices... In a big way. I feel like he didnt get along with him, that he despised him a little, felt left out because dad was always in the spot light maybe? Not sure.....
This was a big ass cherry on a big ass cake for me, maybe one day I can say a blessing in descise, or another family can share memories with... I have to try to find out what happened to him, learn his history.... My history. Surely someone would want meet me? Well that is still an unanswered question, but hopefully it will be one day soon. I will do what I can in my time and power to find my answers, to be whole again... Right now, I am dedicating a part of my lifetime to finding out everything that is out there, since I cant know him, I will get to know him this way. I want to do something totally out there and amazing with my life to make him proud, proud of what his daughter achieved when all the odds said she couldn't do it. I know that I dont want to be just another number in society, another dot on the map, who will marry, work, have babies, retire then die and be forgotten like all the others. I'm not like anyone else out there and proud to say that... He made me that way so I could make the difference I want to, to achieve the 'impossible' and challenge the narrow mindedness towards our world and life, the way we take advantage of all these amazing things because we are so used to them, we over look the miracle of a flower growing because it's what we know, but we know nothing, the possibilities are endless..
It still hurts and it's taken a long time to even allow the pain to flow freely with out being trapped inside its solitary confinement... So of course, It will take some time and energy to heal and I'm finally just starting to feel like I will have true inner peace one day, with wisdom from an amazing journey, the answers I crave and the missing piece of me.....
R.I.P
~SURAS~
26.10.1957 - 13.10.1997
~Beloved FATHER~
~ALWAYS remembered~
~Loved Through This Life
Time And The Rest~
